Communication Styles
Communication styles refer to the ways in which we speak to and express ourselves with others. This includes the words we say, the tone involved in our speech, facial expressions, eye contact, and body language.
Common communication styles include: Aggressive, Passive-Aggressive, Passive, and Assertive.
Why are Communication Styles Important?
The way we express ourselves to others plays a role in the quality of the overall relationship, including how others will respond to us, communicate with us, and how others will feel about their interactions with us. Simultaneously, the way we express ourselves with others reflects our self-respect, including how we are feeling internally and how we perceive our sense of self in relation to others. Communication also helps us, or sometimes gets in our way of, meeting our needs, such as when we are asking others for help or asserting our wants and beliefs.
I consider communication to be a foundational aspect of our relationships. Communication helps serve the purpose of teaching others how we want to be treated and how we commit to treating others. So much of conflict can be resolved, or even prevented, by making an effort to consider how our words and expressions impact ourselves and others. The way we communicate with others is something within our direct control and can help us, or hinder us, from maintaining positive relationships, maintaining a strong sense of self-respect, and maintaining our ability to achieve our goals.
Four Common Communication Styles & How They Impact Our Effectiveness in Relationships:
1) Aggressive Communication
Aggressive Communication is when someone communicates in a dominating manner. This may include making oneself “bigger” in some way, such as by looming over someone, standing over someone when they are sitting, getting close to someone’s face, putting hands in someone’s face, or speaking more loudly than the other person. It often involves direct eye contact and sometimes angry facial expressions. Aggressive communication can include insults or derogatory remarks, belittling statements, and teasing or taunting. Aggressive communication often makes people on the receiving end feel uncomfortable, nervous, small, and/or defensive.
The Message Aggressive Communication sends to others: “I matter, you don’t matter.”
Why this form of communication is usually ineffective:
Aggressive communication may be helpful in getting our point across, but is not typically helpful for maintaining an effective relationship with others. It may help us obtain our objectives, such as telling someone what we need or want, but usually this comes at the expense of the good of the relationship and sometimes at the expense of our self-respect. When someone communicates aggressively, the other person typically shuts down or gets defensive, which means the point being made is likely not being fully heard. Furthermore, the message that aggressive communication sends is that the speaker (and what the speaker wants) matters most, and the speaker is not willing to take into account what the other person wants or needs. The balance of the relationship is off.
2) Passive-Aggressive Communication
Passive-Aggressive Communication is when someone communicates in an indirect manner, usually in such a way that the meaning of what is said is subtly unhappy or angry. It’s when someone says something with hidden meaning, subtle undertones, or sarcasm that suggests the speaker is unhappy and directing that unhappiness toward the receiver. Passive-Aggression often comes out as a “joke” at the expense of the receiver. Passive-Aggressive communication can be confusing because the facial expressions and body language are not usually congruent with the words being spoken. For example, if someone says something in a joking manner, they usually have a smile on their face, even though what they said was rude or hurtful.
The Message Passive-Aggressive Communication sends to others: “I matter, you don’t matter… but I’m not going to tell you that.”
Why this form of communication is usually ineffective:
Passive-Aggressive communication is not typically effective in getting our point across or in maintaining effective relationships with others. Communicating with passive-aggression usually leaves people feeling confused, hurt, uncertain about where they stand in that relationship, and uncertain about what the speaker is trying to achieve. This form of communication sends the message that the speaker matters and they are not going to tell the receiver directly that they do not, or are not, willing to consider the wants/needs of the receiver. The communication is usually unclear and unbalanced with regard to the respect for each person.
3) Passive Communication
Passive Communication is the absence of expressing one’s wants, needs, or opinions. Typically passive communication looks like avoiding eye contact, shutting down, speaking quietly, or saying very little. Passive communication can occur when someone is nervous to speak their truth or concerned about how others will react when they speak their truth.
The Message Passive Communication sends to others: “You matter, I don’t matter.”
Why this form of communication is usually ineffective:
Passive communication is not effective in getting our point across or in maintaining an effective relationship with others because it is essentially a lack of clear communication. When someone does not share how they are feeling, what they want or need, what they like or dislike, or what their beliefs are, it can be hard to know who that person is, let alone how to interact with them. Interacting with someone with passive communication can feel like a challenge.
4) Assertive Communication
Assertive Communication involves direct expressions of one’s wants, needs, beliefs, and opinions. Communicating assertively looks like maintaining eye contact, speaking in a calm, consistent, and direct or confident tone, using “I” statements, and asking clarifying questions to check for understanding as the conversation continues. Assertive communication involves identifying the “problem,” expressing how one feels about the problem, identifying what one would prefer or needs, and opening oneself up to back-and-forth communication toward problem-solving.
The Message Assertive Communication sends to others: “I matter and you matter.”
Why this form of communication is usually most effective:
Assertive communication is the most effective and clear form of communication for expressing ourselves with others and creating a relationship in which both people feel heard and respected. It sets a standard of balance and mutual respect in the relationship. Assertive communication sends the message that both the speaker and receiver are important, have value, and deserve to be heard. Assertive communication allows us to resolve conflict because it clearly outlines the problem and it often involves both people exploring problem-solving skills.
A Quick Note on Conflict vs. Confrontation:
A helpful reminder when learning to communicate with more assertiveness:
“Confrontation does not equal conflict”.
So much of what I hear from clients when they are nervous to speak their truths is that they “don’t like conflict”. When we are used to avoiding conflict at all costs, any form of confrontation can feel like conflict. But it’s important to acknowledge the difference.
Conflict is when we argue with others. Sometimes this can be in hostile or aggressive manners. The conflict people often think of when saying they “don’t like conflict” involves power-struggles and inequities, and more often than not, is an ineffective form of disagreement or argument that may not include a resolution to the identified problem.
Confrontation is when we meet face-to-face with someone or something, are willing to look it in the eye, recognize that we both matter, and seek resolution to the identified problem. This works best when both people are able to work together to resolve the problem, though it is usually initially addressed by at least one person.
Communication Styles Across Settings:
There are many factors that may impact a person’s tendency toward one of these communication styles. Usually, we have learned to communicate in a particular way in order to get our needs met. Our communication styles may change depending on the situation or the relationship in which it occurs. As you read through these communication styles, you may have noticed a tendency to utilize one or many of these styles in your relationships with others. No matter which style you tend to use, you can work toward shifting your style to become more assertive.
Boundaries are helpful tools for using assertive communication to create equality in our relationships while maintaining self-respect and helping us to achieve our goals.
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Disclaimer: Please note that the information offered via the Onward & Upward Blog, written and managed by Dr. Allison Meins, is not, nor is it intended to be, therapy or psychological advice. Established therapeutic relationship communications will be managed via telephone or email. Please contact Dr. Meins if you are interested in establishing a therapeutic relationship.
